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Saturday, December 28, 2002

Sara: Time shifting

[warning: self indulgent pity-fest follows]

I think we're going to have to postpone the wedding until we're more stable financially. We're at t-minus four months right now, and I can't imagine what those four months are going to look like if we're trying to squeeze a wedding out on top of everything else. The car's imminent death is the last straw.

I am, of course, extremely sad. We were having a very cheap wedding to start with, so it's hard not to feel defeated. I know this is part of what I signed on for when I took El Pay Cut Giganto to do what I'm supposed to be doing. I don't get to have an especially glamorous life now. I've dealt with that. But to not even be able to do my modest little celebration is a tougher thing to accept. My inner spoiled brat is still active.

We could still get married in May of course; we'd just have to scale back to the absolute minimum, and it probably wouldn't be worth it for my family to come all the way out here for it, and we really wouldn't be able to invite anyone. Which doesn't work for me; the whole point of getting married in one's community is, well, to have the community there. Getting married in an empty church, when there are people who would want to be there, seems wrong to me. But trying to do this when we can't provide even minimal hospitality is also very wrong.

Off to do battle with the car merchants. Groan.
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Sara: shiny green love bomb

I bought a beetle. It's green. It was among the least pleasant four hours of my life. It's a 2000, around 30k miles, and I think I got a decent deal on it. I mean, they weren't standing behind the glass window and laughing and pointing as I left.

I have a Chick Car. And now so does Dennis.

Car salesmen are scum. I can think of at least three instances when I caught something they were trying to slip by me, which means there are probably several I didn't catch. Bastards.

I feel bad about spending the money, but as a person who lives 50 miles away from work, I have to have a functional car, and getting something with low mileage that is still under warranty makes sense given what I'm going to do to it.
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Friday, December 27, 2002

Sara: Vroom vroom...bite me

At the exact moment that Mazda recorded my final payment on my 626, a tiny sensor buried deep in its evil little brain went off, signaling the beginning of the self destruct sequence.

This car hates me. I mean, I've known that for a long time...you don't replace the transmission 3 times without picking up a note of hostility (in defense of my stupidity, I only had to pay for it the last time) and the faintest whiff of sulfur. Many's the time I have considered pouring a little holy water in the radiator.

Still, it's been reasonably well behaved since it's last major surgery, which was a new transmission AND a new onboard computer. 10 months ago. The important thing is, I'm not bitter. Really. I'm not at all surprised that the transmission is starting to slip again - about 2000 miles after the warranty ran out. I was really looking forward to enjoying a few months without a car payment, and then replacing it in the late summer/early fall.

Evil. Pure evil.

Tomorrow I will go out and look at cars. They will look back at me with their big, round headlights and mock me for being poor. Still, if I'm going to throw $2,000 at a car, I don't think it should be trying to revive the Mazda. Thing's got 128k miles on it. It is time for it to rest and be traded in for something with a better attitude. Car payment, here I come.

Not that I can afford to buy a car right now, of course. This is madness. I'm already starting to wonder how much of my grand wedding scheme is going to have to be slashed due to a distinct lack of ability to pay for any of it. I was actually crying about it last week, much to my complete shame. What kind of person does that? Stupid shallow princess-bitch with a crappy transmission, perhaps?

God help me, I want a Beetle. I know it's the Hello Kitty of the car world. I know it's just manufactured kickiness. I can't help it. [still, it's nice to know I'm not the only one - look at this invitation!] However, there also doesn't seem to be a ton of them around used, at least not automatics. Maybe I should take Ryan up on her offer to teach me to drive a stick. So perhaps my Beetlemania will be for nought.
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Thursday, December 26, 2002

Sara: the beautiful is not chosen, the chosen becomes beautiful

I don't spend a lot of time looking in the mirror as a rule. Seriously, I comb out my hair in the morning and it dries while I drive to work, and I might check the mirror to see if my part is straight, but that's about it. So these new crow's feet on my face sort of snuck up on me. When I smile, my eyes crinkle, and when I stop smiling, um, the crinkles don't go away. I am 32 and my face is aging. But I still get zits. This is so not fair.

The thing is, I don't fear aging all that much. A big part of that is that I know so many fabulous women who are 10, 20, 30 years older than I am, and they make it look like fun. I'm also a billion times more comfortable in my own skin now than I was in my 20s, and I have to assume that this will only continue. I was pretty when I was 24, but I was such a train wreck. Now I'm perhaps less photogenic, but my life rocks. And Dennis thinks I'm beautiful, which continues to blow my mind.

I'm kind of freaking out about having everyone looking at me at the wedding, though. I'm thinking of hiring a stunt double for the photographs.
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Tuesday, December 24, 2002

Sara: What are you listening to?

Dennis has posted his Top Records of 2002 over at denniscook.com. The site was an early Christmas present, and he is taking to this blogging thing with enthusiasm.
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Sara: Advent prayer

Ok, it's a bit late, what with Advent being almost over, but I'm postin' it anyway. It's by the late Henri Nouwen, who is one of my favorite favorite favorite writers.

Lord Jesus,
Master of both the light and the darkness, send your Holy Spirit upon our preparations for Christmas.
We who have so much to do seek quiet spaces to hear your voice each day.
We who are anxious over many things look forward to your coming among us.
We who are blessed in so many ways long for the complete joy of your kingdom.
We whose hearts are heavy seek the joy of your presence.
We are your people, walking in darkness, yet seeking the light.
To you we say,
“Come Lord Jesus!”
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